I am woman, hear me snore!

Life

2010-07-12T21:11:00.000-07:00

It can be so complicated sometimes, can't it? Often the complications are brought on by our own stupidity. Sometimes, they are a result of things we have no control over, like diseases and illnesses. I have tried for years now to overcome my constant depression, mood swings, irritability, insecurities, feelings of inadequecy, abandonment...
I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist last year as having bilpolar II. Something about that just has never sat quite right with me. Much of the diagnosis made sense, but much did not. Now, I finally know why: it would appear I have something else, something related but more psychological and less physical. I am seeing another therapist soon, and I am pretty sure I will come back with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. Having gone over all the diagnostic criterion, this fits me like a glove. The good news is, it's treatable with talk therapy, and it can be overcome. One less thing to take meds for! Hooray! *sigh* At least there is hope of getting rid of ONE of my many ailments. Right?

English Education

2010-06-28T18:00:00.000-07:00

We live in America, but the language we speak is English. Well, ok, most of us speak it. I am tired of people not being able to get the most basic skills down. Here is a crash course in English, aimed towards errors I see on a daily basis. They make me want to scream! It's not that difficult, people!

their: belonging to them (It is their inability to pay attention that keeps people from learning this stuff.)

there: a place, a word to denote placement (There is a big dictionary right over there.)

they're: a contraction for "they are" (They're letting our children become ignorant.)

your: possessive form of you (Your laziness is driving me crazy.)

you're: a contraction for "you are" (You're the cause of much contention.)

its: belonging to it (Its color is true and intensely beautiful.)

it's: a contraction for "it is" (It's not the first time; won't be the last.)

allot: to divide or distribute; to appropriate for a special purpose (I am going to allot ten dollars to the diabetes research fund.)

a lot: many of something (There are a lot of times where people say "alot", which is incorrect.)

One does not go acrossed anything. I crossed the bridge, I went across the bridge, I did not go acrossed it because there is no such word.

Use of apostrophes: This is a big one. An apostrophe before an s is used to denote ownership. For example: Sarah's dog tried to bite my foot. The apostrophe comes AFTER the s if the s is part of the word already. The kids' room is always a mess. (More than one kid, plural, plus ownership.) An apostrophe is also a requirement when contracting a word with is or was. Sarah's always looking for a new pet. More proper ways of using an apostrophe: it'd (for it did, it would) we're (we are, we were) 'cause (short for because) '90 (for 1990).

Use of then and than: then is used for referring to time. (I liked it then.) Than is most used for comparison statements. (I like almonds more than peanuts.) Then let's go! I'd rather eat rocks than eat lead.

I will post more English lessons later as I am reminded of more common errors.

New Meds Suck!

2010-06-26T16:18:00.000-07:00

I started my depakote and kidney med together. Bad idea; I have been having uber bad dizzy spells, blackouts, tunnel vision... and this morning I awoke to a VERY angry stomach that was letting me know its feelings in every way possible. I am going to stop the depakote for now, until I adjust to the kidney med, then add it in.
I'm going to go sing karaoke tonight! I'm excited, I love doing that. I'm so tired of not getting much of a chance to sing. So, I am working yet again on putting together a band. I have had a few replies so far. We'll see how it goes this time around. It's so hard to put together a solid band, and keeping them together is almost impossible!
If you haven't yet, check out the recipe below and try it out. I need feedback for my future cookbook.

Recipe of the Week

2010-06-25T17:57:00.000-07:00

I am going to attempt to post a new recipe each week. These will be in the manuscript for my cookbook, so please test them and give me honest feedback. The premise of my cookbook will be teaching people who don't really cook to do it, do it well, and without everything being measured exactly. In other words, it will be Epic Noms for the Cooking Noob: Deliciousness Using the 5 Senses. So, without further ado, here it is:

Cheesey Stuffed Chicken Breasts

5-6 boneless, skinless large chicken breasts

1 12 oz container Ricotta cheese

6 strips bacon, cooked, chopped small (SAVE THE GREASE!)

Italian herbs (jar of them, won't use the whole jar, you'll see)

Granulate garlic

freshly ground sea salt and fresh ground pepper

1 medium green or red pepper

1 medium onion

Shredded provolone/mozarella cheese (comes in bags in the store)

Chop the pepper and onion into small pieces and throw in a large skillet with the bacon grease (no more than a couple tablespoons worth; if you don't have that much, use butter). Cook at medium, stirring occasionally, until they become golden and look soft. Use a slotted spoon to scoop them out of the pan. Turn heat off. As they cool, take the ricotta, bacon, and Italian seasoning and mix. I use between 2-3 tsps of the seasoning. Taste, add more or salt and pepper as you like. Add the veggies in. Turn your heat back on under your skillet. Take each breast and slice through the middle, but not all the way through. (Butterflied.) Stuff the breasts. Place in pan. Salt, pepper, and garlic the top of them. Cover and cook about 20 minutes. In the meanwhile, preheat the oven to 350'. When chicken has been cooking for 20, sprinkle generously with the shredded cheese. Place in oven for 10 minutes. Turn oven to broil and WATCH CAREFULLY. Remove as soon as the cheese starts to get bubbly and golden. ENJOY!!

My cocktail

2010-06-22T10:47:00.000-07:00

I am currently on the following meds:
2 kinds of insulin (diabetes)
diclofenac (arthritis)
cyclobenzaprine (fibromyalgia)
lamictal (bipolar)

I am going on:
depakote (switching the bipolar med)
ACE inhibitor (kidney damage)
Actonel (early stage osteoporosis)

Eventually, when the blood sugar is under tight control, we will be adding Abilify (for the bipolar and fibromyalgia).

I am still exhausted, still in pain, still having mood swings. Someday, we'll get it down perfectly. Fun times.

Fathers

2010-06-20T10:39:00.001-07:00

I have heard the expression, "Any man can be a father; it takes a real man to be a dad" more times than I can remember. I have found over the years that it is so very true. My husband is one of those cool men that is a daddy. My kids love him so much! They get so excited when he comes home from work. They are so happy when he plays with them. To this day, my favorite thing to hear is the sound of them laughing and squealing while they play with him. 8 years now he's been a daddy. From the moment Julia was born, he was in love. I remember when we were finally able to hold her, after a week and a half or so of her birth. He was holding her and just smiling. I asked for her back... and he looked at me with this almost fearful expression. He pulled her closer to him and said, "No! MY Julia time!" I also remember when he came home from basic training. Nathaniel was 7 weeks old when he left; he came home to a 5 month old, moving, grooving, laughing baby. That first night, about 1 in the morning, Nathaniel woke up. He NEVER woke up at night by then. He woke up though, and I went to get him. He and Randy were up for an hour and half, getting to know each other again and enjoying every minute. Randy is so good them. He is so gentle with Julia when she is undergoing more surgery or is so worn out from therapy, karate, school, whatever. He hates so much that she has to have a g-tube, but for nearly 5 years now, except for his deployment, he has been the one to hook up her feedings, stop them, check the machine, etc. Even at 4 in the morning, there he is, making sure she's getting what she needs and letting me sleep. I also love watching him with Nathaniel. Their favorite thing to do is play video games together, and it is awesome!
When I am old, and have dementia, and can't remember my own name, I hope I will remember Randy with the kids. Especially those first two memories I mentioned... they make my heart happy.

'

I'm BACK!

2010-06-19T15:04:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness, I have missed blogging so much! I couldn't remember my information to get on here, but I stumbled upon it, and here I be! I won't have long posts; my arthritic/fibromyalgic hands won't allow it. I will most likely post poetry and song lyrics sometimes, like I did on my old one. This will be so therapeutic, I am so excited! Um, yeah, hands are already hurting, so.... stay posted! I'll be back!

OK, so it's been awhile...

2007-12-26T14:16:00.001-08:00

What a great holiday we just had! My kids got a whole new bedroom! Two of their walls were painted a pale robin's egg blue. Julia got a new Disney princesses bed, complete with bedding and canopy. She also got a 6-bin princess toy cart and rocking chair, both match her bed. Nathaniel got the same set-up, including canopy, with a Pixar Cars theme. They got lots of toys and jammies that match. It is so cool! If i can find my stupid cord, I'll hook up my digital cam and post some pics.
I was spoiled this year. I got two awesome cook books, a set of Mario Batali measuring/prep cups, a new George Foreman 5-in-1 grill (the awesome new one), a chocolate fondue fountain (do we see a theme here??), and a FABULOUS new set of gardening tools from my dad. Also got a bunch of stuff from Bath and Body Works in my current favorite sent, which were in my stocking. Very nice.
I'm so excited, my sister Megan and her two girls are flying in tomorrow morning!! I haven't seen them since the moved 2 years ago, and I have missed them like crazy! SO happy. Dad paid to fly them here, he is being such a better dad these days.
All in all, a terrific Christmas. I am so grateful for my family. I am so glad that we all LIKE spending time with each other!

I can't believe it!

2007-11-11T22:03:00.000-08:00

I've been watching The Next Iron Chef religiously, so of course I watched the finale tonight. I love Michael Symon, but I was so sure it would be John Besh! I think Symon is a total hottie, but I just love Besh's style. So I'm kinda bummed. It will be fun to see Symon's first few battles though.
And has anyone else who watches it noticed that almost nobody ever battles Cat Cora? Too bad, she's pretty good. I like her Mediterranean style.
So now I'm watching the battle I've wanted to see ever since I heard about it: Rachel Ray and Giada de Laurentis. I know who wins, which again was a HUGE surprise, but I want to see the battle. I am so boring. It's the only reality TV I watch really.

Halloween is over, Thanksgiving can begin!!

2007-11-01T11:00:00.000-07:00

My little elf and witch!!

My monkey! aka, my nephew Raedin!

I love being the naughty aunt! And Raedin loves Cheetos!

My bil, Nate, helping Nathaniel make orange and clove Jack-o-lanterns.

My buddy, Raedin, and my brother.

I love this time of year!!! I love the cool but still mostly sunny weather, the leaves, the crisp air, the gorgeous sunsets over the mountains! I love Thanksgiving. I love the idea behind it, the decorations, the food!! I get so sickened when there is Christmas stuff up with the Halloween stuff, and somehow, except for the food, Thanksgiving gets left by the wayside. I do, however, LOVE Christmas. Just not until AFTER Thanksgiving, thank you very much!
Anywho, here are some pictures of our Halloween. I didn't get as many as I would have liked, but I will have some soon (hopefully!) from my sister and brother, so I will post those too. Enjoy!

Baby tears

2007-10-28T19:41:00.000-07:00

I'm having a hard time tonight. I have been surrounded by babies the past couple days, and it's really getting to me. I want another baby so badly, it just kills me that I can't. I had my tubes tied a couple years ago. It was that, or risk another bad pregnancy, which means risking a sick or dead baby or me. My kidneys barely survived the two I have!
I know I should just be grateful for the two I have, and I AM!!! I really, truly am grateful to have two such amazing, sweet, smart, funny, beautiful kids. But I have always wanted three. I still feel like there is one more boy waiting to be a Watson. I want Randy to be around for the entire babyhood of at least one kid!
I hate knowing that the reason I am not having another one is because of MY medical problems. I feel like a failure for not being able to have more.
I LOVE MY KIDS. I just wish I could have one more though! So I am crying a little tonight, mourning the one I lost (miscarriage almost 7 years ago) and the one I will never get to have now.

FMS Part II

2007-10-25T16:33:00.000-07:00

I don't want people feeling sorry for me. That is not my intent in blogging about this. Rather, I want people who may doubt the reality of fibromyalgia to get a glimpse of what it's like for those of us with it.
My symptoms started so long ago, it's been part of my life for at least half my life. I remember as a teenager, when it wasn't too bad yet, wondering why it was that doing a simple aerobics routine or swing dancing for more than a few minutes was so painful and difficult for me sometimes. I couldn't understand why I would wake up on some days ands just HURT and be too exhausted to do anything. I often attributed it to my diabetes, for lack of anything else, but it didn't make sense to even think it was that, because the PAIN didn't match diabetes issues.
The summer Julia was born was when it really hit hard. I had some very horrible days, and although I saw a doctor in my clinic, and one in the ER, and one in Instacare, nobody could tell me why I had this weird sheen in my vision, or why I was so dizzy, or why going up the stairs at the water park made me think I just might die from the burning in my legs. One doctor tried telling me it was from having a low blood sugar. I looked at him (this is totally true) and said, "I've been diabetic longer than you've been a doctor. I have been diabetic since you were in middle school. I THINK by now I would KNOW if it was low blood sugar." Needless to say, they wouldn't prescribe anything to help, for fear I was just out for drugs to feed an addiction.
It was so frustrating to go so long with no answers. I remember sitting in my doctor's office and telling him the sensation in my legs when I went up stairs was like... something was missing, some chemical or something, because they just didn't work right. I just didn't know how else to describe it! He was clueless.
I saw a doctor at the same clinic last February, I think it was. I took in a full list of my many, many ailments, and said, "I am not making this up." She ran a bunch of tests to rule out other things, like thyroid (I've had that done at least 15 times in the past 10 years), lupus, and hormonal imbalance issues. When those were ruled out, fibromyalgia was her diagnosis. She warned me it would be very hard to get care for it, especially to get insurance to pay for treatment. She told me there was not much that could be done from a medical standpoint, unless I wanted to get hooked on pain pills (which I most emphatically do NOT). She prescribed an antidepressant that helps the nerves calm down and not "feel" as much pain. It worked, to a degree. The normal days were better. (Normal means there is pain, but I am so used to it that I don't notice until someone touches me or tries to massage me. On normal days, I can play with my kids for more than 5 minutes without needing a nap.) I was able, at that time, to go to water aerobics (very gentle), and also got weekly massages from a woman who was specially trained in massage for FMS patients. For a few months, I felt so much better!
Now, I have no insurance and no time or money for the gym or massages. So I live with it. It is part of my life now, as much as Julia's issues are a part of my life. I don't like it, but I deal with it. After all, what other choice do I have?

Fibromyalgia Syndrome

2007-10-24T13:11:00.000-07:00

I wish people who doubt my fibromyalgia could spend one day in my body. I cannot describe well enough what it is like, but I'm going to try.
My muscles ache. Just touching parts of my back, arms, shoulders, and legs causes me pain. Walking up and down stairs burns my legs with an intensity you would not believe. People who attempt to massage my back often cannot tell the difference between my bones and my muscles, they are so tight. Some days, there is just no such thing as a comfortable position. I am not in massive pain every single day, but I am in pain somewhere all the time. On my really bad days, I lie around crying and taking massive heavy-duty anti-inflammatories. I can't convince my doctor that I need some pain relievers, at least for the worst days.
I am exhausted. It does not matter if I get 7 hours of sleep or 10. I don't sleep well through the night, even with the aid of sleeping pills. I can nap twice a day with no problem (although, I don't). A lot of the time, I feel much the way someone on drowsy antihistamines feels .
I get random headaches. They aren't as frequent as they used to be, but they are severe when they do come. It starts in my forehead and goes into my eyeballs, and then spreads along my jaw to the back of my neck. My neck will get so HEAVY, like I can't support my head any more. Then I see a sheen in front of everything, like when you first go outside on a super sunny day after being in the dark for a while. On the days this all happens, I get dizzy too, and can't stand for more than a minute or two.
I have IBS, which is often attributed to FMS. There are days when it feels like my stomach is collapsing in on itself, and it hits so fast and hard that I have to sit and crouch over in a whimpering ball.
I have depression, also often linked to FMS.
My periods involve some awesomely bad pain.
My fingers and wrists burn horribly right now... just from typing this.
I live with this everyday.
But there are those who say I am just lazy, or a hypochondriac. Even my own doctor doubts the reality of this disease. Yet again, I say, I wish the doubters could live one day in my body. Then perhaps they would understand why my house is usually a mess!!

It's a question we avoid...

2007-10-23T11:31:00.000-07:00

***deleted at request of blog-owner's husband***

Been tagged

2007-10-10T16:21:00.000-07:00

So, although no one will probably see it, here is my list, courtesy of Lisa!

10 things I save on, 10 things I splurge on:

SAVE
1. milk
2. gas
3. canned goods
4. meat
(all courtesy of Costco)
5. dates (matinee movie, here I come!)
6. books (membership at FYE/Borders)
7. clothes (I like second hand stores)
8. shoes (Payless clearance)
9. utilities (included in rent!)
10. basil! (LOVE it, so I grow my own!)

SPLURGE
1. eating out (if someone else is cooking, it might as well be good!!)
2. smoked salmon (just gotta have it sometimes!)
3. cook ware
4. small appliances
5. cooking utensils
6. beverages
7. specialty spices
8. PCMC fundraisers
9. Halloween
10. CHRISTMAS!!

A little late, but here they are! 1st Day Preschool!

2007-09-12T16:44:00.001-07:00

Big world, here I come! With my handy nametag attached, of course...

DEEP breath, mommy!

WOW, that's a loooooong hallway for such a little boy to walk!

Hey sissy, you can go now. I'm gonna be great!

1st day of school!

2007-08-29T09:23:00.001-07:00

First day, here I come!
Sissy, I'll miss you!
My girl's all grown up!
Name tag, don't fail me!

Life goes on

2007-08-25T17:27:00.000-07:00

Indeed it does, although we are often left scratching our heads and wondering why! Randy's grandma is still here with us. She isn't great, but she's still here for now. I really don't understand it, the way everyone back there in Atlanta was talking we thought it was only a matter of hours. Amazing.
Randy has a new job. He is landscaping and helping design and build one of the local major haunted things, a forest and a hollow and a house, all owned by the same guy. He also is working on the guy's regular landscaping crew.
Nathaniel has been approved for the Title 1 preschool. That basically means he isn't as up to speed with basic language and early reading skills as he should be. Not a big surprise, since his best friend is in serious speech therapy herself! I still feel kinda bad though, like I am failing him as a mother. But I am not real sad, I can't be! He is SO EXCITED to be going to school!! Seriously, he and Julia cannot WAIT. She starts on Monday, he starts on September 4th. He's gonna be pissed he doesn't get to go back when Sissy does!!

Pray

2007-08-20T21:30:00.000-07:00

Randy's grandma is dying. She had a massive stroke today and they are just waiting for the one that will end it. She's in Atlanta, so there is no way for him to get there to say goodbye. We have not seen her since right after we got married. She has never met the kids. He is having a really really hard time with it. She was his number one care giver for a long time when he was a baby, as his mom was in and out of the hospital undergoing chemo and things like that. She wanted to raise him after his mom died, but she knew she wouldn't be able to. Please pray for her, and pray for him. This is going to be the first loved one he's lost since he was a baby.

Blah blah blah...

2007-08-17T17:43:00.000-07:00

Randy was fired yesterday. I should be bawling and screaming and angry and scared. But in all reality, I am ok. I don't know what is going to happen, but somehow I know things will be ok. WE will be ok. We got a flier in the mail today about a local place that is hiring. It's not a glamorous job by any means; in fact, it really is crappy work. But it doesn't take much effort, it pays decently enough, and the hours are super flexible. Flexibility is what we need right now, with so many more appointments coming up in Salt Lake for both kids. Not sure if we can make it TO said appointments at this point though... the car isn't fixed yet. grrrr.
Julia is doing so well after her surgery!! She blows me away. I gave her Lortab once today, and that was to relax her enough to get her to drink a little! She's actually overly active, she's going to end up hurting herself if she keeps it up. I love this girly!

Damn used cars!

2007-08-14T09:03:00.000-07:00

We are much too poor to buy a new car, but we sure as hell can't afford the old piece of crud we have now! Our Mercury Myst(AKE) had the water pump go out yesterday. Randy is going to attempt to fix it tonight. I wish him the best, he's still getting over this bad stomach bug we've all had, plus he's never done a water pump before. The best part? Julia has surgery tomorrow... in Salt Lake... and we don't have a second car. Yay. I can't possible cancel her surgery again though, school starts next Monday and, I dunno, I think it might be nice if she could HEAR the teacher. Ya know? So I am sitting here waiting for the hospital to call me and tell me when she goes in, so I can arrange a ride if the car isn't fixed. Randy can't go up, he can't afford to miss more work. That blows. Also, the people who are supposed to be watching Nathaniel are not returning my calls. So everything is a big mess right now.

Music

2007-07-31T14:44:00.000-07:00

Music is probably my favorite thing in the world besides water. I love music of all different sorts. I am happy to sing a Baroque canon one day and a heavy metal song the next. Music speaks to me. It emotes things for me that I can't always get out on my own. I will hear a song that just says everything I feel way down deep at any given moment and wish I'd been the one to write it! Not just lyrics do I love though. The actual music itself, the notes, the crescendos, the decrescendos, the allegros and andantes and everything that comes together to form a song... I love it! I love how music can change how I feel. If I am happy, a song can make me sad. If I am calm, a song can make me want to go out and party. Music make me happy, sad, angry, shy, excited, lonely, grateful, horny, shocked, you name it! Here are some artists/bands/composers that I really like:

Sarah McLachlan
Pantera
Evanescence
Metallica
Mozart
Tchaikovsky
Handel
John Williams
Nickleback
Rob Thomas
Dido
Natalie MacMaster
Allison Krauss
Aaron Lewis (Staind)
Art Hatfield
Tori Amos
my Dad!
my Brother!

My goodness, there are so many, my fingers can't type as fast as my brain is thinking! There are tons more, I may post some of them later.

Viva Las Vegas!

2007-07-25T20:37:00.000-07:00

Or, as Julia has been singing, "Julia loves Vegas!"
Our trip was wonderful!! It was the first family vacation we have had, and it was so awesome. The conference was amazing, but since I'll be talking about it on my support groups, and since those are some of the only people who read this, I'll just stick to the vacation highlights here!
Julia and Nathaniel were so funny. They loved everything, and they are at an age where we didn't have to spend a lot of money for them to be happy! They were perfectly happy to just look at things. They about died of excitement when they got to ride the monorail and when they went in a "real" castle at the Excalibur. Julia really dug the Egyptian stuff at the Luxor. Of course, they both adored the pirate ships at the Treasure Island. We didn't get to see the show there, because the wind was too bad, but that was the only downside the whole trip really (except for some super bad weather that forced us to pull over in Beaver for a bit, making our return time 2:30 in the morning). The water show at the Bellagio came at a perfect time, as we were getting kinda hot and tired at that point. We went up and down almost the whole strip. We used the trams and monorail a lot, and drove down back streets whenever possible, so we really didn't run into too much bad traffic. We also indulged in In n Out burger! BUT the highlight, for me anyway, was going to Siegfried and Roy's Secret Garden and Dolphin Pavilion. It cost money, but we saved a lot in other areas so we could go. It was awesome! There is a baby dolphin there, named Sgt. Pepper! He was so very cute and playful! The tigers and lions were beautiful, their habitats are really nice!
Overall we had a fantastic time, I hope they do the conference there again next year!

If you love someone...

2007-07-17T14:15:00.000-07:00

...DO NOT let them join the National Guard!! I am proud to be married to a soldier, I am proud of his reasons for joining, but by golly, I am NOT proud of the way they treat their soldiers!! After being promised he'd be paid by tomorrow, the NG has decided they have to go so far up the chain of command to fix THEIR mistake, it could be weeks before we get it!!
Now, if this was just a drill pay, it wouldn't be that big a deal. But we are talking 2 weeks of pay that we really need! We are in debt now as a result of not having it, and also it is now looking like we are going to have to cancel a VERY IMPORTANT trip to a conference in Las Vegas this weekend. We need to go to this!
The very worst part? This is NOT the first time his pay has been messed up!!!
Livid does not even describe how I am feeling. There is great anger, but also I am dejected, and hurt, and confused, and depressed, and worried, and disillusioned. What a travesty.

Oh the places I'll go...

2007-07-14T18:50:00.000-07:00

I went to a bridal shower today for my cousin Karin. I am so excited for her wedding! It will be the first time I can go to the temple for a family member's wedding, and it's so awesome!

We are going to the hospital tomorrow. Julia is undergoing a sleep study, as her ENT thinks she probably needs her tonsils removed. Oh the places we've been with her! Motherhood should never, ever start out in the NICU, and should never, ever include so many hospital visit, surgeries, specialists, etc, that one is convinced the hospital system has had to open a new office just to hold the child's records. We have been so lucky in so many ways though. Julia can walk, she can talk, she can eat and drink and play and learn. We don't have to fear every time she gets exposed to a kid with a cold. We are only on surgeries number 10 and 11 next week. But oh, the heartache is not less. Oh no. In fact, in some ways, it's worse. If she was completely disabled, some things would be so much easier to deal with. If she was in a wheelchair, it would be obvious something is wrong. If she wasn't capable of learning much, I wouldn't stress over her eventual transfer to a mainstream classroom. If she wasn't capable of talking, I wouldn't be so frustrated that she is behind in speech. If she had limited control over her body, I would be ok with her not being potty-trained. But the heartache I don't think would be worse, it would just be different. I love her so much. But I'm so tired of the places we've been and have still to go.

Party Town

2007-07-13T20:39:00.000-07:00

So I had a small gathering of friends tonight. Originally, I planned this enormous hoopla party, but life happens and so many ended up not being able to come... so it goes. That's all right, those who were there had an AWESOME time. I think. I did, anyway! I met some peeps I haven't had the chance to meet before. I love gathering with other families who have a special needs kid, or two, cause it's so much easier than having to always EXPLAIN that your child has a problem, and no, it's not that you spoil them! I also am happy we finally met another little girl with Pierre Robin Syndrome!! Well, not so little, she's a teenager. But a small teen though. I have only known 3 moms with PRS kiddos, and this is the first time I met the kiddo! So that was neat. To all those who came, many thanks and you are awesome! To those who couldn't, sorry you had to miss such a fun event! Maybe next time?

A Light?

2007-07-12T09:00:00.000-07:00

Well, Randy thinks the car will be ok for our trip. I still am hoping to have his military pay before then though so we can just rent a car and KNOW we'll be ok. AND it is highly possible that is gonna happen. I threatened the military yesterday with going to the media if he doesn't have his money in a week. Guess what??? They are suddenly all over it! So we should be ok now.

In other news, I am kinda pissed at Randy for recently being in touch with a female I don't like him talking to. There is a long history behind it, and I would ask you don't jump to conclusions because it's not what you might think, but suffice it to say, I do NOT approve of communication between them. Well, Randy had me check something for him in his email the other day, and there in plain sight was an email from this person... in reply to one from him... in reply to one from her. She tends to leave us alone for months at a time then randomly pops up somewhere, and I hate that! Why can't she just leave us alone?? She makes me uncomfortable, and they both know that. Randy is claiming he doesn't even remember emailing her, that he was just replying to some message from someone who seems to know him, and that he didn't even notice that's who it was. I kinda tend to doubt that, since her opening was, "I don't know if you'll get this..." Based on the fact that I used to head her off at the pass, so to speak. Obviously, Randy wasn't as upset I used to do that as she thought he'd be, because he still has never changed his password! Anyway, I totally trust my hubby. This girl is no threat to me. But I still wish she'd just leave us alone already!

My ME Moment

2007-07-09T20:48:00.001-07:00

I am glad practically nobody reads this, so I can vent and not worry that millions worldwide will think I'm a bi*#@! I am just very very very STRESSED at the moment and I refuse to take it out on my family, so I will take it out on my blog instead!
I am so TIRED of being poverty-stricken all the time. Randy feels like crap because he knows he's not making enough to completely support us. He knows it isn't entirely his fault, his criminal record should not be such a big deal (one tiny theft, which, I might add, he didn't even DO!). BUT. He has been given some leads for some good jobs and he's not taking them. I truly believe it's for 2 reasons: 1) he feels so kicked around, he just doesn't have the chutzpah to do get out there, and 2) he doesn't want to feel like the only reason he gets a good job is because someone else butted in. Dumb, because in this world, it often is WHO you know as much or more than WHAT.
We really would be ok at this moment if the damn National Guard would pay Randy for his 2 weeks of AT! (Advanced Training). Somewhere along the way, his pay orders were lost, and we are going on week 4 with no money (because he just started another crappy job, which doesn't pay his first check til Friday.) So, right now we are pretty screwed.
And if that's not enough, our CAR needs a bunch of work. The radiator hose blew the other day. Randy fixed it and also changed the thermostat, but it needs LOTS more work.
Julia has 2 appointments and a surgery over the next 9 days.
Nathaniel, my "normal" kid, needs to seen an orthopedist for funny ankles and scoliosis.
And we have a conference down in Las Vegas in 12 days. With no $$ and a broken car.

I can't afford my diabetes meds.
I can't afford to see my doc to get back on anti-depressants.
I can't afford not to.

Prayers, people. We need 'em.

LOVE the 4th

2007-07-06T07:30:00.000-07:00

We had a fan-damn-tastic 4th of July again this year. Funny, we went two years in a row with Randy here, two without, two with... does this mean he'll be gone again next year? I sure hope not! There is something deeply satisfying about having him here. I know he would rather be with his unit, on their current deployment, but I am soooo very grateful he chose to stay home with us. We need him here for more than a year at a whack!
Anyway, it was a fun holiday. We watched the parade and walked around the festival and came home and napped, then went to Dad's hotel and went swimming. Late that night, Randy and I sat outside and watched the big fireworks over BYU stadium for their Stadium of Fire. It was a good end to a long day. I am really proud of myself, I didn't bawl shamelessly every time a soldier/veteran/gold star unit went by in the parade. I teared up a few times, but I didn't bawl this year!! Being married to a soldier has only enhanced the sense of pride, pain, and respect I have always had for soldiers. They are true heroes, especially the ones who join for the RIGHT reasons and not just to get money from the government. C'mon, the government doesn't even bother to pay these guys sometimes. (Yes, Randy has been gypped AGAIN. I swear it's a conspiracy!)

Dr. Laura

2007-06-25T13:46:00.000-07:00

I get annoyed quite often when I listen to Dr. Laura. Honestly, I think I have only done so a small handful of times. But I am currently reading her book, The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands. I am reserving comment until I finish it, but there is one thing I read that grabbed me, so here it is (she is talking about masculine strength and fortitude):

"I do believe that it's to the betterment of men and society that women temper and civilize these masculine characteristics; however, to deny the reality and value of masculine traits altogether is cruel towards boys and men, not to mention foolish, as it undermines the home and country."

I agree with this 100%. I am a firm believer in women and men being totally different beings. I think most women are capable of doing most the things men do, but I do NOT believe we should do everything men do. I do not believe it is right or fair to take basic male traits and try to mold them to ourselves. I am even one of those people who think women do NOT belong in combat. I am not saying they should all do nothing but pop out babies and tend the home, but I do think that our most important role in life is to be a wife and mother. What do you think? And please keep it respectful and clean.

Day 1!

2007-05-24T10:24:00.000-07:00

Of summer vacation with the little princess. So far, so good. She has spent a good deal of time outside and in her room playing with her brother. Now she's coloring. I think her brother is going to love having her around more to play with. I, on the other hand, may go nuts not having her gone for 3 hours a day, 4 days a week. I am glad though that they get along so well; I know if they get to be too much, I can always send them to their room and let them be for a while. Only a while though, Nathaniel is quite the little monkey and I oftentimes will find stuff up on their highest shelf has somehow found it's way to the floor...
Our car got hit yesterday by a lady backing out of a parking spot at a gas station. Not real happy about that. The car doesn't look bad at all, but the quote Randy got to fix it all is $1700. We figure we can always just fix what HAS to be fixed and use the rest to fix other things that have been an issue lately. Don't know though, he hasn't talked to the lady today to give her the estimates. Life goes on though. We are counting down to Julia's big PIRATE PARTY on Saturday. 5 years have gone by so fast and yet so slow! I want time to slow down for a while though... before my kids are celebrating their kids' 5th birthdays...

A new beginning!

2007-05-23T14:41:00.000-07:00

Wow, sounds so good doesn't it? Not a new beginning in my life, just on my blog. Sadly, I cannot remember my username for my old one. Tells ya how long it's been since I was on it huh? I am so damn sporadic with my blogging these days, I have no friends left in blogland. Sad, because it used to keep me going. Oh well.
So I am writing this while I await Julia's bus. Last day of preschool. Don't know how I'm gonna get her off it without bawling. I am so proud of her, so excited she is going to K next year. But there is this real whirlwind of emotions going through me as I think back on the last 2 years and what a difference there is in her now. She's just growing up so fast, I feel like I can't keep track. I don't think I could be any more proud of her. She has done so well and improved so much and I am just so grateful to her amazing teachers. I took them gifts today, her teacher Mrs. Jo got a glass block that has purple on one side and says, "I can no answer make, but thanks, and thanks. Wm. Shakespeare". I also gave tiles in earth tones to her assistant teachers that say the same thing. It is truly how I feel. They are forever my heroes for what they have taught my daughter, not just about letters and numbers, but life and friends and leadership and just so many things. Thank you Mrs. Jo, Miss Marie, and Miss Maile for the wonderful people you are! My daughter is a better child because you loved her and cared enough to teach her well.